The Ruins

What generally happens with me at the end of the night is that I end up flipping through channels and finding something to fall asleep to. Last night, when I got to the HBO channels, I stumbled upon something new to me. Two couples sitting on a dark beach, and one of the girls was Jena Malone. I thought, "Well, Jena Malone isn't exactly the romantic comedy type, so this must be a horror movie." And yes, I looked it up and it was the "gory" horror movie The Ruins, but I must say it was not in the least bit horrifying.

Generally, again, when I look up descriptions of movies or TV episodes on a TV guide, it's never the most accurate information. In this case, I would definitely say that gory was not an accurate description. Sure there were a couple parts with some blood, some pretty fake looking blood, but I would not consider it gory. Nor a horror movie really.

Let's watch two young couples take a vacation to Mexico and go to some ancient ruins where nobody has ever returned from. Over and over one of the guys proclaims that someone will find them, "American tourists don't just disappear without anyone noticing" after all -- yet obviously many have at this place. Watch out for the vines that will cultivate in your wounds and take you in once you're dead. Vines? Really?

One lesson this movie did teach me, however, is to always carry a bottle of tequila with you. You know, just in case you stumble upon some ancient ruins, fall down a shaft and break your back, get infected wounds on your legs and your friends have to amputate your legs. The tequila will be good for the pain and to sterilize the hunting knife. But after going through all that trouble, fight over trivial things and leave the paralyzed guy right by the vines and not notice when they choke him to death. Good job.

There are really only two reasons why I watched this whole movie. 1) Jena Malone -- she is one of my favorite actresses. She's not mainstream or the greatest actress in the world, but there's something about her that I enjoy. Maybe it's just the movies she has been in, aside from The Ruins. For example, Life As A House (which used to be my all time favorite movie) and Donnie Darko. 2) Once you start watching a "horror" movie, you have to see who lives. It is likely that the movie will be horrible thanks to low budges, small time actors, and a general lack of an intensely frightening plot. After the amputee was gone, I knew someone else was going soon. One of the girls went crazy, sliced a guys hand and outright stabbed her boyfriend. After that the guy with the sliced hand and Jena Malone were the only ones with any hope left. They staged a getaway, the guy was the casualty, and Jena Malone ran her ass off to get away from the crazy indigenous people with guns and arrows. Then, of course, fade out -- fade in to another couple of guys going to the ruins looking to have some fun.

Why do all horror movies have such predictable endings? I would say that my favorite horror movie is Thir13een Ghosts. I also enjoy House on Haunted Hill occasionally. And as for the only horror movie that seriously freaked me out, just because it was so fucked up, House of 1,000 Corpses. Thanks for that one, Rob Zombie. And, for the finale, best death in a horror movie: House of Wax -- Paris Hilton.